ballerina2610

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 18:37:13 GMT

just woke up from a crazy long dream that i was at my granny's house in virginia. it was current--if anything i was older in the dream than i am now. my parents had moved back up there too, and i had this sudden realization that if i didn't go to see her right then i wouldn't get to see her again, so i flew up and spent the weekend with her. she cooked and we talked and now, half an hour after i woke up and wide awake, it is physically painful for me to know that i don't have that.

everything about her was exactly the same as i remember it. she had dentures and she clacked them at me to make me laugh. her posture was no better than it was eleven years ago. she even had that nostalgic, dreamy look in her eyes that she used to have when the cancer was taking over her body and she knew--and we all knew--that it wouldn't be long. sometimes in my dream when she talked she wasn't looking at me anymore, or at anything really, just space ... but everything she said was aimed at me. she wasn't just talking to make noise; she had a point she was trying to drive home to me and it worked.

i haven't had a really good dream in a while. as painful as this one was, despite the fact that i have been crying ever since i woke up, i'm glad i got a few more hours with her.

[side note: i also dreamed that i won wimbledon in mixed doubles. that was pretty awesome.]

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 13:58:25 GMT

i'm lonely.

but i'm still not calling, and it'll be ok. at least i can be proud of myself too.

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 13:47:30 GMT

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Although you might be stressed from a variety of relationship situations, they are showing you a path back to your own issues.

no shit. thanks for the update.

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 15:34:41 GMT

eric's having a baby. i'm not.

i know i should be glad it's not me. but i'm pissed as hell that he did it so soon after we broke up (as in, one week), and that he's excited to have a baby with someone other than me (particularly given that i think she's a skanky whore).

at least i'm getting over being depressed about the baby part. now i'm just (irrationally) depressed about the he and and i will NEVER get back together part. and i'm sure that'll fade with time.

(and too, i can't find my beach towel. and there are supposed to be thunderstorms this afternoon during our pool party. grrrr.)

Wed, 02 May 2007 13:44:23 GMT

for me today:

You might have been living in a fantasy world recently. It may have related to imagining yourself with a specific partner that is a complete mismatch. Today is a reminder to be happy with what you have.

though i don't really believe horoscopes, this is pretty much impeccable timing.

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 17:01:06 GMT

when did it all get so complicated??? i thought right now was supposed to be fun ...

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 14:28:27 GMT

it was easier to accept the finality of it before we actually had the conversation. now i'm more sad than i was before.

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 13:17:21 GMT

starting over. alone again. this fucking sucks.

except maybe i'll finally get my act together and get a job or something.

yeah, it still sucks.

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 15:33:20 GMT

i dreamed i had an awful sunburn. spring fever hits hard.

also. i should probably cut back on my drinking significantly, and soon, before i completely kill my liver.

Sat, 10 Mar 2007 04:58:14 GMT

i feel like maybe if i lived closer to town i'd be able to take better care of rico.

and then i wouldn't have to give him away.

and also i could ride my bike to work.

cross your fingers that i get a sweet job soon :)

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 06:28:16 GMT

i hate packing.

but i love leaving for a few days.

except there will have to be a cleaning spree when i get back.

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 15:36:31 GMT

most amazing birthday ever.

i now have a deep fryer in my life. i'm going to fry everything i can possibly think of that is in my kitchen right now. starting with zucchini.

oh yeah, and i got flowers at dinner. everyone stared. it was amazing.

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 17:14:42 GMT

if you have a car for sale or know someone who does, please let me know. the camry has finally kicked it.

for the next week i'm going to be driving my mother's minivan. (actually i'm a little confused as to why she has a minivan anyway, given that she only has one child living at home still, and that one has her own car now too... hmm ...)

but i really want something that i can actually park. please. please please please help me.

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 23:00:23 GMT

i'm bored and it makes me act irrational.

i hate that i pick stupid fights.

and i hate that he doesn't understand why i'm doing it.

Fri, 24 Nov 2006 03:36:41 GMT

"But now that crazy-making chapter of your life story is coming to an end. No more
teetering for you. No more inhaling noxious fumes from the infernal
regions. I believe you have already been offered or will soon be offered an
escort to the beginning of the yellow brick road. Let's hope you're not so
addicted to the fascinating glamour of your pain that you turn down the
escort."

very interesting ....

Mon, 13 Nov 2006 16:00:30 GMT

i'm getting sick. i can feel it in my throat. gross.

also, i've been told that if i want to keep my dog, i have to start wrestling with him everytime he starts to get mean. this should be tons of fun. we had our first attempt last night, which ended with me legs as sore as they've ever been from the gym. he's a big fucking dog. stronger than i had even realized. this is not going to be fun.

and. i'm going to kill all my fish, clean out the tank really well, and start over. cause it's just sad right now.

so here's to pet problems.

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 18:02:04 GMT

i wish this (http://atlanta.craigslist.org/mis/227555360.html) was for me.

i need too much attention. i want some kind of grand gesture. i set my expectations way too high. always to be disappointed.

need a vacation.

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 04:54:59 GMT

all of a sudden i've backtracked on the developmental scale in relation to my peers. strange how this happens out of nowhere. especially the high school friends--so many babies in carrollton right now. but things are good, really good, so i guess i'm not complaining?

Fri, 13 Oct 2006 03:44:00 GMT

tonight was pretty much pain.

i hate my job.

i can't afford, financially, to work a "real" job, even though i'd kill for insurance. unless i did that PLUS waiting tables nights and weekends and have absolutely zero social life (not that i have any as things are now).

i already can't afford to pay student loans plus rent plus utilities plus credit card bills plus be able to afford to eat.

did anyone but me see the creative loafing article last week? on how those of us who've recently graduated have more debt that anyone before us and there's no good solution for how to pay it off cause we're all stuck working menial jobs that don't pay shit? it was pretty depressing. and now my mother's gone and mailed me a similar article from last week's copy of time. thanks, ma. i needed that reminder in my life that i will never amount to anything.

casey--thanks for calling and i am so so so so sorry i missed you! i pinky promise to call you back asap, but i'm working the next few nights. maybe saturday during the day?

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 16:31:07 GMT

need someone who's not close to talk to. secrets eat you up inside.

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 16:20:46 GMT

i think maybe my recent obsessive buying of pets and pet treats and the like is maybe because i really want some babies. except i'm not even sure i do. i just want something to depend on me. or something like that????

i want to disappear from decatur for about three weeks.

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 05:49:35 GMT

i'm living a fake life.

and i want health insurance.

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 14:39:09 GMT

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): According to visionary astrologer Elias
Lonsdale, the age-old war between good and evil is over. His shocking
conclusion: Evil lost. It will take a while for its malignant dominance to ebb
away, and the transition time may bring apparent setbacks, but already
the momentum has shifted. The forces of good are in ascendancy, and
will steadily build a new order in the coming decades. Is Lonsdale's
perspective true? I personally don't have the wisdom to be able to
confirm or deny it. But I do know this: The age-old war between good and
evil *within you* is over, and evil lost. From now on, the forces of beauty,
truth, love, and justice will grow in power.

Mon, 11 Sep 2006 23:09:16 GMT

(disclaimer: obligatory 9/11 post):
today has really affected me more than i thought it would. more than it seems to affect anyone around me. when all of it first happened, i didn't realize what a big deal it was. i was in high school. i feel like i was contemplating breaking up with my boyfriend. i didn't, immediately. and even my recent decision to move up there didn't make me view any of this stuff differently. but today, i have been a wreck. can't read the paper. i just want to be out somewhere, anywhere, forgetting. just for today.

anniversaries make me anxious.

listening to a lot of ani.

really, i'm rambling. forgive me.

tangible

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 04:13:27 GMT

my eyes feel like i've been crying. eyelashes stuck together. i can feel them being red. but i haven't ... yet.

i wish i could put my life on pause while i figure it out. or fast forward this part.

i haven't posted in six months or more.