just woke up from a crazy long dream that i was at my granny's house in virginia. it was current--if anything i was older in the dream than i am now. my parents had moved back up there too, and i had this sudden realization that if i didn't go to see her right then i wouldn't get to see her again, so i flew up and spent the weekend with her. she cooked and we talked and now, half an hour after i woke up and wide awake, it is physically painful for me to know that i don't have that.

everything about her was exactly the same as i remember it. she had dentures and she clacked them at me to make me laugh. her posture was no better than it was eleven years ago. she even had that nostalgic, dreamy look in her eyes that she used to have when the cancer was taking over her body and she knew--and we all knew--that it wouldn't be long. sometimes in my dream when she talked she wasn't looking at me anymore, or at anything really, just space ... but everything she said was aimed at me. she wasn't just talking to make noise; she had a point she was trying to drive home to me and it worked.

i haven't had a really good dream in a while. as painful as this one was, despite the fact that i have been crying ever since i woke up, i'm glad i got a few more hours with her.

[side note: i also dreamed that i won wimbledon in mixed doubles. that was pretty awesome.]

i'm lonely.

but i'm still not calling, and it'll be ok. at least i can be proud of myself too.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Although you might be stressed from a variety of relationship situations, they are showing you a path back to your own issues.

no shit. thanks for the update.

eric's having a baby. i'm not.

i know i should be glad it's not me. but i'm pissed as hell that he did it so soon after we broke up (as in, one week), and that he's excited to have a baby with someone other than me (particularly given that i think she's a skanky whore).

at least i'm getting over being depressed about the baby part. now i'm just (irrationally) depressed about the he and and i will NEVER get back together part. and i'm sure that'll fade with time.

(and too, i can't find my beach towel. and there are supposed to be thunderstorms this afternoon during our pool party. grrrr.)

for me today:

You might have been living in a fantasy world recently. It may have related to imagining yourself with a specific partner that is a complete mismatch. Today is a reminder to be happy with what you have.

though i don't really believe horoscopes, this is pretty much impeccable timing.

when did it all get so complicated??? i thought right now was supposed to be fun ...

it was easier to accept the finality of it before we actually had the conversation. now i'm more sad than i was before.

starting over. alone again. this fucking sucks.

except maybe i'll finally get my act together and get a job or something.

yeah, it still sucks.

i dreamed i had an awful sunburn. spring fever hits hard.

also. i should probably cut back on my drinking significantly, and soon, before i completely kill my liver.

i feel like maybe if i lived closer to town i'd be able to take better care of rico.

and then i wouldn't have to give him away.

and also i could ride my bike to work.

cross your fingers that i get a sweet job soon :)

i hate packing.

but i love leaving for a few days.

except there will have to be a cleaning spree when i get back.

most amazing birthday ever.

i now have a deep fryer in my life. i'm going to fry everything i can possibly think of that is in my kitchen right now. starting with zucchini.

oh yeah, and i got flowers at dinner. everyone stared. it was amazing.

if you have a car for sale or know someone who does, please let me know. the camry has finally kicked it.

for the next week i'm going to be driving my mother's minivan. (actually i'm a little confused as to why she has a minivan anyway, given that she only has one child living at home still, and that one has her own car now too... hmm ...)

but i really want something that i can actually park. please. please please please help me.

i'm bored and it makes me act irrational.

i hate that i pick stupid fights.

and i hate that he doesn't understand why i'm doing it.

"But now that crazy-making chapter of your life story is coming to an end. No more
teetering for you. No more inhaling noxious fumes from the infernal
regions. I believe you have already been offered or will soon be offered an
escort to the beginning of the yellow brick road. Let's hope you're not so
addicted to the fascinating glamour of your pain that you turn down the
escort."

very interesting ....

i'm getting sick. i can feel it in my throat. gross.

also, i've been told that if i want to keep my dog, i have to start wrestling with him everytime he starts to get mean. this should be tons of fun. we had our first attempt last night, which ended with me legs as sore as they've ever been from the gym. he's a big fucking dog. stronger than i had even realized. this is not going to be fun.

and. i'm going to kill all my fish, clean out the tank really well, and start over. cause it's just sad right now.

so here's to pet problems.

i wish this (http://atlanta.craigslist.org/mis/227555360.html) was for me.

i need too much attention. i want some kind of grand gesture. i set my expectations way too high. always to be disappointed.

need a vacation.

all of a sudden i've backtracked on the developmental scale in relation to my peers. strange how this happens out of nowhere. especially the high school friends--so many babies in carrollton right now. but things are good, really good, so i guess i'm not complaining?

tonight was pretty much pain.

i hate my job.

i can't afford, financially, to work a "real" job, even though i'd kill for insurance. unless i did that PLUS waiting tables nights and weekends and have absolutely zero social life (not that i have any as things are now).

i already can't afford to pay student loans plus rent plus utilities plus credit card bills plus be able to afford to eat.

did anyone but me see the creative loafing article last week? on how those of us who've recently graduated have more debt that anyone before us and there's no good solution for how to pay it off cause we're all stuck working menial jobs that don't pay shit? it was pretty depressing. and now my mother's gone and mailed me a similar article from last week's copy of time. thanks, ma. i needed that reminder in my life that i will never amount to anything.

casey--thanks for calling and i am so so so so sorry i missed you! i pinky promise to call you back asap, but i'm working the next few nights. maybe saturday during the day?

need someone who's not close to talk to. secrets eat you up inside.